Waves Are The Best Anxiety Relief

Yesterday, we made it.  Some wine tasting, some awesome food, a kick ass parade for Memorial Day and fireworks with the best view.  The hotel upgraded us for like no money, and I now have a jacuzzi and a tv in the bathroom. This, this is amazing.  I’ve watched ferries go to and from the islands all day.  I even found out that feeding seagulls along the beach make you relive The Birds movie.  I sat out on the balcony, where I am right now, and just enjoyed the view.  The water is so clear, the people are so happy, and life in general is calm.  

I felt no anxiety for the day, pretty much.  I did. Lot of soul searching.  I did a lot of enjoying life around me.  I did a lot of being grateful for what I have and who is around me this weekend.  My soul is happy.

The waves.  They are so calm and relaxing and they have made me feel an extra level of calm.  I don’t hear crashing waves like the ocean very often.  Only when the waves from the ferry eventually wash up.  Most of the time it’s just a calming flow of water. I guess you could say the water is like my life.  Steady.  Little waves of energy.  And then every once in awhile, everything comes crashing in.  There’s a cycle to it, just like there is with my life.  Maybe that’s why I relate to the water so well.  Who knows.  You know, I never thought about that until this very moment while I sit here, on this balcony, hear the crashing waves calming down, and realized it.  The words just flowed, kinda like these waves.  Funny how life works.  

I only stay here forever honestly.  Well, not winter.  I can’t even imagine how brutal this is then.  But while it’s nice out, I could sit here and listen to the seagulls along with the waves, watch the ferries go too and from, and enjoy the parasailing I see on the lake.  It’s all happiness.  It’s all life.  It’s all repeatative and yet soothing.  

Have a great Sunday.  

Lake Huron, my good morning view to you.

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Just a get away I need 

So I’m sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car as he drives us on vacation.  This is odd, I’m usually the driver, so I’m gonna have to find the norm in this role of co pilot on the ride. 

It’s Memorial Day.  It’s a weekend where he’s off and so is my kid.  It’s a weekend to get away and just forget about the shit in life that bothers us. Maybe, just maybe, it will be a weekend where my anxiety can be at a minimum.  I can hope. 

6 hours is the total of the time to get there, and we are one hour down. He’s already mentioning puddle jumpers for the future.  So let’s hope this isn’t a sign.  I don’t think it is, we all just want to relax. 

Why am I sitting here blogging?  Because my last therapy session was hard.  Actually, hard is an understatement.  But when it was ending she said something to me about how the one thing that was good about the narcissistic asshole of my past is that I learned how to speak out and do what I wanted to do.  I took some small road trips, I took some time for me.  I blogged more.  I enjoyed nature more.  I did more coloring.  I did more of everything, and I have let all of that go.  She told me to go find it again.  So, here I am. Blogging.  The funny thing is, my old blog, I blogged for others and in hopes of being popular and all that.  The blogger that makes money off of it.  Now, I don’t give a shit.  I blog for me.  

It’s up to you if you care to be part of the ride.  

But if so, talk to me.  (I work at home, alone.  I need it.). This is me at 7am in the car and I’m a night owl.  I’m secretly dying here.

Have a great weekend……

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Just Thinking

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.  It’s not that I have forgotten anyone.  It’s more I have had so much running through my mind I have no idea where to start or what to even mention.  I can’t turn a forever running brain into just one topic.  And I can’t focus long enough to write about the 15 others that are running in the background.  

Anxiety is beating it’s battle with me.  I haven’t been able to beat it.  It’s winning.  It’s not that I’m not putting up a fight, I am.  It’s just a fight I’m not winning.  Right now.  I’ll beat it.  Just gotta realize the battles are not mine to win right now but the war is a different story.  I will win that.  

I’ve been on a leave.  I really don’t remember if I covered that already or not.  It’s short term disability.  I’m not working.  I can’t.  My panic attacks are getting the best of me.  I’ve been off about a month and a half.  It’s been a journey.  I’ve tried so many different medications for anxiety and none of them are working.  The side effects are sometimes even worse than the actual anxiety attack itself. And it’s not just work.  I took my mom to a concert last Wednesday, Tears For Fears opening for Hall & Oates.  During the end of Hall & Oates, I had to leave because of an anxiety attack.  That is a total first.  I feel its just getting more and more out of control.  I can’t stop it and in that situation, I can’t even use the anxiety tactics my therapist has mentioned.  I just miss being me.  

What I do miss is girlfriends.  Right now, my neighbor has people over hanging out.  I’m home alone.  My only social life anymore has been my boyfriend.  And I do love him so much and love being with him, but he’s not my only life.  Or so I thought.  Apparently he is.  

I miss girlfriends.  Or just friends in general.  I miss them.  I miss socializing.  

Why did having a boyfriend make my life limited to just him?  What made my friends just disappear?  Where my friends really just so focused on being depressed and sad that once I wasn’t, there was nothing left to discuss and connect with.  I didn’t want to think that, but I”m thinking this is the case.  

I miss friends.  Who wants to hang?

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If you could help….

I’m not one to usually ask for help so being here and saying this is out of the realm of any normality for me.

But nonetheless here I am, pretty desperate

My bfs niece is 7. She’s an awesome kid who loves her dog, her school, her family. She got strep about 2 months ago and kicked it. But about 3 weeks after that she started doubling over in pain and vomiting. Then she peed blood.
She was taken to St Vs and was there for a week. Her levels for her kidneys were too high. They did a biopsy on her kidneys and discovered she has a rare autoimmune disease.  GPA(Granulomatosis with PolyAngitis), a rare autoimmune disease that affects the blood vessels of the sinuses, lungs, and kidneys.  It’s usually found in people aged 30-60. About 1 in every 300,000. Melissa’s case, since she’s 7, is 1 in 3 million. She was then transferred to Motts in Ann Arbor. She was there another week. She was given steroids and chemo. Yes, chemo. She started doing better and was sent home. She takes daily cancer meds. They must return to Motts for 24 hour cancer treatments for the next 4-6 months. The good news is, GPA is 80% curable.

Last Monday, she felt sick and started peeing blood again. They ran test her and one enzyme for her kidneys was 4.2. Normal is 0.5. 5.0 is kidney failure.
She was sent back to Motts.

They discovered her potassium was too high. Her heart was being strained. She was put in ICU.

The only treatment left was dialysis. She has been on that 3 times a day, 3 hours each time. Her steroids make her gain 5lbs of water usually a day.

Yesterday, she started complaining about not being able to see out of one eye. Testing found she couldn’t even see the laser being displayed in her eye. Her blood pressure was 178/107. She was put on continual dialysis. She then had a seizure.
She’s 7.
This family’s financial strain is beginning to be seen with the medical bills starting to come in. So as much as I hate to ask, if you could help them, it would be appreciated. They still have a 6 year old at home who misses her parents and we are trying to keep as normal a life as possible. So please help, if you can. If not, please send prayers. They are needed now.
Thank you.
https://www.youcaring.com/melissabitkowski-796131

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Struggles

I see a therapist.  Technically, a licensed social worker.  I’ve been there for about 2 years now and I’ve grown a whole lot.  

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my job.  I know I need to quit, but I haven’t found anything else and I’m kind of stuck.  I struggle but it makes my depression worse every day.  When I see my therapist, she tells me I need to be on a leave.  Not because I’m lazy, but she sees things are spiraling and not getting better.  She can’t sign for me to be on a leave, but she can recommend that.  Due to this, I went to see my family physician.  

My physician is a little bit older than I.  I hate crying, but I was a wreck in her office, crying and just saying I didn’t know what to do.  She gave me a speech about how I need to let go, give it over to God, and it’s just a rough spot and I’ll get through it.  She recommended I go to church on Sunday.  Yep, I guess she didn’t know about the part of, I work Sundays, 10 hours.  I left with more meds and snotty Kleenex.

I started looking for recommendations of someone else to see.  I was given a great woman.  Or so I thought.  She encouraged me and told me to try a different med.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect her to put a girl on leave she JUST met.  I started taking those meds.  After 2 weeks, and a massive migraine, I stopped.  I called her afterwards and asked to see her.  By now, all my muscles are achy and I’m constantly sore.  But I have no headache!  She told me it’s due to serotonin withdrawal.  I keep telling her, this is not normal, there’s something wrong.  She told me to try a different med and follow up with her.  

I’m on day 2 of the new meds.  My thumbs still ache and guess what?  An hour after I take those meds, my head hurts.  Today, I’m not able to work because the pressure of the headset on my head is too much.  The sound of people talking in my ears is too much.  

And I’m still not on a leave.  No FMLA.  Nothing.  My therapist is having a fit since she knows I need something and I can’t get it.

So now, I’m still depressed.  I have more panic attacks now because I constantly feel sick.  I miss work, which is a stress of maybe losing it when it’s already not going well.  I panic more because I feel sick and it increases my attendance.  Which then makes me more depressed.  Now, I’m not only dealing with what I was before, I’m now dealing with achy body parts, and constant headaches.  I literally am worse seeking help then before I sought help.  

And this can all be easily fixed with a leave or some FMLA paperwork.  I need something.  Somewhere, somehow, sometime to break.  I shouldn’t be working, with great insurance and getting NO help from medical professionals.  I keep seeking more help but I’m on wait lists and not getting anywhere.  I’m literally stuck with NO help!  Nothing.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  How did it come to this?

If I wasn’t as a strong a person as I am, I would have seriously not been able to handle this.  I would never hurt myself.  Ever.  But when you are at the point of realizing the only way you will get it is to lie and say you are going to hurt yourself just so you can get some help and some FMLA or leave paperwork, there’s a problem.  Especially when your own mental health care provider recommends it.

Depression is real.  Anxiety is real.  Help is truly hard to find.  

That’s my rant of the day.  

I hope everyone is doing better than me.

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Depression Is

A disease that lies on the inside and can be masked by so many people.  You don’t see the battle internally.  You don’t see the hurt and struggle and pain of it.  Functioning is hard.  Like, I get that life has so much good with pleasantries and yet there’s something there that makes it impossible to keep the smile inside that I show everyone outside.  

I’m empty in some areas inside and hurt on the inside over things that I just can’t seem to change.  No one seems to get the hurt and the struggle which makes it harder and harder to explain to people. It seems overblown to them and so consumed with loss of everything  inside.  

I see so much good in my life, and yet the consuming feeling inside overshadows everything else.  

I wish I could turn it off like everyone seems to think I should be able to. 

It’s just not that easy.

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Who Done It?

This weekend I finally did something I have always wanted to.  Murder Mystery dinner.  

What a freaking blast.  

The Murder Mystery Company in Michigan does an amazing job!  I had such a blast, met some amazing people, and actually solved the crime!

For our anniversary, my Panda and I decided to attend one of these events.  We went to just take part, but before the show started, we were made in partakers in the show, both as suspects.  Panda wasn’t so sure about the event, so being put into the show was something he didn’t want to do, but he grew into the part and did a great job.  

The show was a murder at a 50s sock hop.  I played the brooding artist and he played the principal, so pretty much the most hated man in the room.  He got booed every time he got up to talk, but he found it hilarious after awhile.  

There were three stages and each stage gives you more clues.  What was great was the third scene I had nothing to add, because my character DIES.  I got to do a death scene.  

The show was great.  The actors were great.  We solved the crime and had a blast.  Panda told me that even though he wasn’t so sure at the start, he actually had a lot of fun.  We decided that we will be doing the one on the train nearby.  

I know who done it.  Panda knew who done it.  You should partake in a show and find out who done it also.  I doubt you will regret it.  

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