A Question I Ponder

Does being a survivor of a Narcissist change you as a person, even when it’s happened several years ago?

Or will I ever go back to being me?

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I’m Quiet, I’m Not Dumb

I am that quiet girl.  

For a few reasons.  One, I truly dont like confrontation.  I get worked up.  It makes my heart race.  I feel like such an ass when I do confront someone.  I worry that the other person will never be able to move on past what I say.  I hate being the cause of other people in an area to feel uncomfortable due to something I did before.  And I never, ever, want people to feel like they have to choose.  When we care about people, we never make them choose. 

Another reason I’m quiet is because I have dealt with a narcissist and I know how that shit can be flipped on you when it’s a lie.  Now true, not everyone acts like that, but not everyone shows their narcissistic tendencies until you are already in over your head.  And the last reason I am, because I don’t want to be the person who loses out.  Which is so fucking dumb.  If someone is going to let me out their life over me speaking up, I’m better off, but still.  Maybe that person does stand by me, but maybe then they are put in a bind.  I don’t want to be the cause of that.  

Never.

You can be rude to me.  You can make side comments to me.  You can be short and out of line.  You can be all those things to me.  Guess what I will do when that happens?  

Nothing.

I’ll still be nice to you.  I will acknowledge you.  I will respect you.  I will hold a conversation with you when you start it.  You will never have any idea that I have totally got your number.  You will never have any idea that I am tolerating you.  You will never have any idea that I have a note about you in my brain.  That you are rude, disrespectful, someone I will never turn my  back to, someone I will never open up to, someone that tolerates you but can’t stand you.  You showed me your hand of cards and I memorized them. I have your card.  I know you.  And it’s nasty and unpleasant.  The only difference between you and I is that I can be an adult.  I can be pleasant and make everyone else feel comfortable.  Because that is the fair and nice thing to do.  That’s the right thing to do.  It’s the adult thing to do.

So, I see you.  

I made a note on your contact card that’s in my head. 

And it’s not just me.  I asked the people closest to me.  I even asked people close to you.  Everyone is in agreement.  Bitchy.  So, in this case it’s not me.  And I’m ok with that.  I’m ok with what and who you are.  Trust me, I’ve had bigger obstacles. After this entry, you won’t even be an extra thought in my mind.  Rude is as rude does.  

The thing is, my mamma taught me better.

Don’t think my lack of words means those actions are ok.  I got your card.  It’s just not as pretty as mine.

Have a great day everyone!!!  I got a football table to assemble.  Let the fun begin!!!

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GuessWhat I Saw Today?

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Why I Stopped Trying And Turned My Focus To Other Better Things

I have a group of friends I socialize with.  Socialize is about it, I see them at parties and events with big groups of people, but I never see them outside of that.  I tried, I’ve arranged to do things with people I really like from that group one on one, but I have no luck.  I’ve tried to not take it personal, but it gets hard.  Especially when one in that group is just an outright bitch to me and I have no idea why.

I see the groups of couples hanging out.  I’ve always been excluded from those groups, but it was because I was always the single one.  I got that, and frankly, I appreciated not being invited because it’s just awkward.  I can’t say I didn’t feel a bit sad when I was left out, but I got it.  However, for over a year now, I’ve not been the single one.  I’m still invited to the group parties and they have all met my great and awesome boyfriend.  Hell, some even offer to do shots with him ONLY when I’m not there.  You guessed it, the bitch was behind that.  I guess what I’m saying is, they all know him.  Hell, they see my FB and they know we are together.

This weekend on vacation I saw a picture on Facebook.  A picture tagging many different people.  You guessed it, the same group of “friends”.  This is the norm, group outings of friends, couples outings, and I’m still not invited.  I then realized that one of those couples is always invited out to dinner with my Panda and I, yet never seem to surface.  While sitting on my balcony this weekend, looking at the water, I turned to him and asked him

“Why do I even bother to see what all these people are doing?  It hurts my feelings and yet I sit here and let them unknowingly hurt my feelings.”

His reply was pretty much confirming what I was saying.

I unfollowed these people.

I don’t hate them.  It’s the exact opposite.  I care too much.  However, my feelings aren’t a concern, and that is ok for them.  They don’t need to worry about my feelings, or thoughts, or anything like that.  It’s all on ME to stop allowing myself to be hurt.  I don’t see a reason to unfriend them.  It’s not that anything bad has happened, it’s just me not trying anymore.

Therapy is an amazing thing.  You learn boundaries.  You learn your self worth.  You learn when to stop allowing things to happen to you.  You learn to take back control.  I deserve more than the excuse to not show up.  So, it’s time for me to bust my ass and stop being too nice to people.  Time to take care of myself.

Speaking of that, I’m training for a 5k with my boyfriend.  I hate sweat.  I love training for this.  Instead of sitting around being sad that this has happened and people can hurt my feelings, I realized I need to get back on the wagon of health.  I’m not on awful meds.  I’m not feeling sick.  I’ve got no reason to stop working on me.  So, I have put the effort and time into me to get on the wagon and get healthy.  Shit, I was down 17 pounds but I gained it all back.  Truth is, I’ll do this damn 5k without my boyfriend if I have to.  It started as his goal, but I’ve grabbed it and made it my own also.  All mine.  With or without you or anyone else.  I got this.

Thank you Justin Rubin and Daily Burn for getting me moving.  Thank you Ryka for your kick as Women only shoes.  I’d be lost without my Powerbeats2 Beats By Dre because they pair so awesomely with my Apple Watch Sport Series 2 so I don’t have to haul a phone with me on my walks.  And biggest props to Fabletics.  Seriously, there stuff is way too awesome.  (My boyfriend’s sister’s dog peed on me and didn’t even know except it got super warm on my leg, that’s how awesome their stuff is).  I love walking now.  I love parks.  I love the sun.  I love the me time.  And I love not having my phone so I don’t get texts and calls but I still get my music from my watch.

The only thing I have to work on getting back into now is traveling.

So on that note, I’m going to book that hotel for my birthday.   Then go buy presents for my twin cousin’s 3rd birthday.

Have a great day everyone…and remember, life is good.  🙂IMG_1046

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Roadside Americana baby!

I love it.

Love is an understatement.

I geek out like an idiot when I see it.

I found out crossing into the Upper Peninsula is a treat for someone like me.

But on a serious note, this is a part of the country that doesn’t get enough love.  It is so beautiful there and I can’t get enough of it.  We changed my birthday plans from going to Hocking Hills to instead, exploring the most northern parts of Michigan.  That’s right, I’m returning to that amazing land for my birthday.

(Which reminds me I need to start looking at those hotels again.)

There is a website I adore, RoadsideAmerica.com.  I have found so many awesome and unique things while being on that site.  It’s usually free to go and it’s a different kind of memory to make with your kids or even friends.  Like, who can’t laugh because you have a pic next to some giant pink elephant?  Or, who else has a pic of that damn elephant?  Go do it.  Explore it.  LIVE IT!

St. Ignace is beautiful.

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Reality Returns

I guess I put off writing for awhile because I didn’t want to admit I’m back home.

I wanted to stay there longer.  I didn’t want to come home.  The view, the weather, Mother Nature, all of it was more beautiful than I ever imagined.  I’ve come to think maybe I need a summer home somewhere on the water.  Or perhaps buy a boat so I can be in the water.  I realized it’s not just the water that calms me, it’s also the fact that I’m away from life, and the stresses of life that consume me.  I don’t take electronics with me out in the water or really even on the beach because of the probability of it being damaged.  I think that’s where my peace comes from.

Either way, I know I can ramble on forever about that and no one cares.  Hell, I’m not even too sure I care.  What matters is….I’m home.

Whooopie.

 

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Waves Are The Best Anxiety Relief

Yesterday, we made it.  Some wine tasting, some awesome food, a kick ass parade for Memorial Day and fireworks with the best view.  The hotel upgraded us for like no money, and I now have a jacuzzi and a tv in the bathroom. This, this is amazing.  I’ve watched ferries go to and from the islands all day.  I even found out that feeding seagulls along the beach make you relive The Birds movie.  I sat out on the balcony, where I am right now, and just enjoyed the view.  The water is so clear, the people are so happy, and life in general is calm.  

I felt no anxiety for the day, pretty much.  I did. Lot of soul searching.  I did a lot of enjoying life around me.  I did a lot of being grateful for what I have and who is around me this weekend.  My soul is happy.

The waves.  They are so calm and relaxing and they have made me feel an extra level of calm.  I don’t hear crashing waves like the ocean very often.  Only when the waves from the ferry eventually wash up.  Most of the time it’s just a calming flow of water. I guess you could say the water is like my life.  Steady.  Little waves of energy.  And then every once in awhile, everything comes crashing in.  There’s a cycle to it, just like there is with my life.  Maybe that’s why I relate to the water so well.  Who knows.  You know, I never thought about that until this very moment while I sit here, on this balcony, hear the crashing waves calming down, and realized it.  The words just flowed, kinda like these waves.  Funny how life works.  

I only stay here forever honestly.  Well, not winter.  I can’t even imagine how brutal this is then.  But while it’s nice out, I could sit here and listen to the seagulls along with the waves, watch the ferries go too and from, and enjoy the parasailing I see on the lake.  It’s all happiness.  It’s all life.  It’s all repeatative and yet soothing.  

Have a great Sunday.  

Lake Huron, my good morning view to you.

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