I sit here tonight

As the ugly face of depression.

I’ve been on this journey for so long and trying so many different routes and I keep finding roadblocks upon roadblocks to finding the answer and the cure.  So far, what they have me on now is a play with it on dosage of pills.  What’s happening is that my seretonin is all over and that makes my mood all over.

I had some anxiety attacks today and yesterday.  It lets me know that the meds aren’t working.  I think it’s honestly making it worse at this point.  My attacks feel worse than before, even though I know today is just a total obscure moment and won’t probably ever happen again.  My logical brain knows this.  

I sit here and write this now knowing I’m not in my clear mind.  I know that this is a moment.  I know that I’m overly extreme and overly dramatic right now.  I know this.  But yet, I sit here and realize that I’m alone.  

Yes, alone.  

My kid is gone chasing her dreams.  I’m so happy for her.  I’m finding strength within that.  

But yet, I’m alone.

I was told tonight that my own boyfriend hasn’t gone places because I can’t handle it.  So, while my logical brain knows he’s doing it because he loves me, he’s trying, the depression in my head hears….”depression just doesn’t limit your life, it’s now limiting the lives of people you care about.  They are so much better without you.”

I’m alone sitting here in the depths of depression.  Alone.

Yes alone. 

Because your Facebook status about being there for me is bullshit.  You know I struggle with depression.  I know your life is fun, or work, or graduations, or sleep right now.  Not time for me and my overly emotional, depressed, mood fucked up state.  Because truth is, we are just people that mean well and want to be there for people but yet, myself included, don’t answer most phone calls because everything is text.  

Truth is, I care that my phone call is going to be draining and depressed and sad and you have to work tomorrow.  And I’m already limiting one person’s life.  I don’t need my depression making you drag ass tomorrow.  

That’s how depression works.  

So I sit here tonight in tears.

Alone.

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