Just Thinking

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.  It’s not that I have forgotten anyone.  It’s more I have had so much running through my mind I have no idea where to start or what to even mention.  I can’t turn a forever running brain into just one topic.  And I can’t focus long enough to write about the 15 others that are running in the background.  

Anxiety is beating it’s battle with me.  I haven’t been able to beat it.  It’s winning.  It’s not that I’m not putting up a fight, I am.  It’s just a fight I’m not winning.  Right now.  I’ll beat it.  Just gotta realize the battles are not mine to win right now but the war is a different story.  I will win that.  

I’ve been on a leave.  I really don’t remember if I covered that already or not.  It’s short term disability.  I’m not working.  I can’t.  My panic attacks are getting the best of me.  I’ve been off about a month and a half.  It’s been a journey.  I’ve tried so many different medications for anxiety and none of them are working.  The side effects are sometimes even worse than the actual anxiety attack itself. And it’s not just work.  I took my mom to a concert last Wednesday, Tears For Fears opening for Hall & Oates.  During the end of Hall & Oates, I had to leave because of an anxiety attack.  That is a total first.  I feel its just getting more and more out of control.  I can’t stop it and in that situation, I can’t even use the anxiety tactics my therapist has mentioned.  I just miss being me.  

What I do miss is girlfriends.  Right now, my neighbor has people over hanging out.  I’m home alone.  My only social life anymore has been my boyfriend.  And I do love him so much and love being with him, but he’s not my only life.  Or so I thought.  Apparently he is.  

I miss girlfriends.  Or just friends in general.  I miss them.  I miss socializing.  

Why did having a boyfriend make my life limited to just him?  What made my friends just disappear?  Where my friends really just so focused on being depressed and sad that once I wasn’t, there was nothing left to discuss and connect with.  I didn’t want to think that, but I”m thinking this is the case.  

I miss friends.  Who wants to hang?

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