Struggles

I see a therapist.  Technically, a licensed social worker.  I’ve been there for about 2 years now and I’ve grown a whole lot.  

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my job.  I know I need to quit, but I haven’t found anything else and I’m kind of stuck.  I struggle but it makes my depression worse every day.  When I see my therapist, she tells me I need to be on a leave.  Not because I’m lazy, but she sees things are spiraling and not getting better.  She can’t sign for me to be on a leave, but she can recommend that.  Due to this, I went to see my family physician.  

My physician is a little bit older than I.  I hate crying, but I was a wreck in her office, crying and just saying I didn’t know what to do.  She gave me a speech about how I need to let go, give it over to God, and it’s just a rough spot and I’ll get through it.  She recommended I go to church on Sunday.  Yep, I guess she didn’t know about the part of, I work Sundays, 10 hours.  I left with more meds and snotty Kleenex.

I started looking for recommendations of someone else to see.  I was given a great woman.  Or so I thought.  She encouraged me and told me to try a different med.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect her to put a girl on leave she JUST met.  I started taking those meds.  After 2 weeks, and a massive migraine, I stopped.  I called her afterwards and asked to see her.  By now, all my muscles are achy and I’m constantly sore.  But I have no headache!  She told me it’s due to serotonin withdrawal.  I keep telling her, this is not normal, there’s something wrong.  She told me to try a different med and follow up with her.  

I’m on day 2 of the new meds.  My thumbs still ache and guess what?  An hour after I take those meds, my head hurts.  Today, I’m not able to work because the pressure of the headset on my head is too much.  The sound of people talking in my ears is too much.  

And I’m still not on a leave.  No FMLA.  Nothing.  My therapist is having a fit since she knows I need something and I can’t get it.

So now, I’m still depressed.  I have more panic attacks now because I constantly feel sick.  I miss work, which is a stress of maybe losing it when it’s already not going well.  I panic more because I feel sick and it increases my attendance.  Which then makes me more depressed.  Now, I’m not only dealing with what I was before, I’m now dealing with achy body parts, and constant headaches.  I literally am worse seeking help then before I sought help.  

And this can all be easily fixed with a leave or some FMLA paperwork.  I need something.  Somewhere, somehow, sometime to break.  I shouldn’t be working, with great insurance and getting NO help from medical professionals.  I keep seeking more help but I’m on wait lists and not getting anywhere.  I’m literally stuck with NO help!  Nothing.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  How did it come to this?

If I wasn’t as a strong a person as I am, I would have seriously not been able to handle this.  I would never hurt myself.  Ever.  But when you are at the point of realizing the only way you will get it is to lie and say you are going to hurt yourself just so you can get some help and some FMLA or leave paperwork, there’s a problem.  Especially when your own mental health care provider recommends it.

Depression is real.  Anxiety is real.  Help is truly hard to find.  

That’s my rant of the day.  

I hope everyone is doing better than me.

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