Now I Understand…..

One of the hardest parts of life is having to face harsh realities and painful truths. Sometimes, we think it is easier to keep living the life we are now, no matter how painful it is, than actually having to face an even more unbearable truth, which is the lie. The deception. The betrayal. Gosh, I know that feeling more than I care to imagine or relive. But the truth of the matter is, we are only hurting ourselves. 
Today, I got another message about how I’m some awful woman still out to ruin this married man’s life. It told me how I still feel for him and want him. It reminded me of a message I still have a copy of. It reads….
“No *L**a, Lynnie the Gooner has moved on, but she doesn’t know all the things lined up and in store for her”
This was the talk that kept me there. I was scared. And living that life of hell, lies, and betrayal was worth it to not be afraid also. I cheated myself.  
For 3 years.  
I know I will live with this for the rest of my life. Even the wife thinks I’m pining for him still. Frankly, at this point, it is an ego boost. I am not forgettable!
What I do understand is why I couldn’t repair bridges with people. I tried to talk to these other women. Women who offered olive branches to me, and out of my fear and hurt, I shot them down. I tried to make up for it. I owned my wrongs, fully and completely admitting them. I have no shame in that, it’s how I learn. But when I asked them for the offers they extended to me, each and every one has shot me down. I couldn’t get that.  
Until now.
My words are truth. If I was still battling, then I would be worthy of speaking with. My words would feed the story told. I’m psycho. I’m crazy. I’m a hacker. I infiltrated shit…shit I never even knew existed. I am so evil mastermind of craziness. However, I’m here now saying, yes, I was wrong. Yes, I reacted bad. Yes, I shouldn’t have said that to you like that. Now, my words are words that ignite those truths you fight so hard to avoid. I unburdened myself of a weight of a pile of human garbage who calls himself a Dom.  
I do not fear him. 
I do not allow him the power he craves.
I am not feeding the crazy you so wish to have.  
I do not live in regret.  
I am the person who will make you realize how deeply you were lied to. When you see these things in person, in front of you, to the degree that they are, then you cannot lie to yourself as easily. The truth comes out. The pain is displayed.  
You cannot hide it anymore.  
It hurts. Damn do I know it hurts. To know you loved, and put so much on the line to be loved in return. To give your vulnerability, your heart, you desires, your wishes, your love on the line to someone who has done nothing but lie and deceive is a brutal blow. However, it’s a blow that can lead you on a path of healing.  
A new life.
A new beginning. 
A new happiness with no drama, no chaos, no hurt, no pain.  
It’s beautiful.  
When you change the energy that you put out in the world, the energy drawn to you will change. A healthier, better, no pure energy. One that builds up and doesn’t deceive.  
One, that no matter, what you think of me, or have said about me because of that pile of shit, it’s truly one that I hope you find. Because I found mine, and after the deceit and lies we’ve all been through, you truly do deserve your happily ever after, just like I’ve found.  
So, think what you want people. I can’t change it and will never understand it. All these actions actually help me understand things and put things together. It doesn’t bother me what you say or think of me. I have a life I never imagined. Ever. I’m so happy my path has been bumpy. It led me to my Panda. Right where I belong.
Hope you all had a great Valentine’s Day. 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s