I am a helper and a giver. I want to give the world the things that I feel I can. As wonderful of a trait as that is for people, it’s also something I hate. I tend to make excuses for people. I keep overlooking their flaws and looking for the good inside of people, all at the expense of myself.
I used to kick myself so much for making some of the decisions I have made with people. Like how dumb does one have to be to not get the lesson life is telling us, and then actually finding a reason to say that’s ok that it happened, just don’t do it again. Even though we know they will do it again.
However, I’ve learned that it’s stupid to beat myself up. It’s a life lesson. I have yet more knowledge than I did before and I’m an even badder bitch for it. I am a great resource to my friends, if for some reason they find themselves in a mess of life. *I truly hope none of my friends ever need my experience with this in any way.*
I have learned that these experiences shape me. They teach me lessons in a field I never bothered to open the book on. There are people like this everywhere and I will not only encounter these few that I have, but a person as open as me will continue to encounter them. Those of us with big hearts, open books, and souls meant to heal are a breeding ground for these types of people. I shouldn’t have to change how I am, but I have to change how I read people and what I allow other people to do to me.
It all sits within me.
I will use this blog more often, because I have healed so much from the damage I allowed to be done to me. I will search more, and write more, and keep healing with it. I will write about those that have hurt me, those that have helped me heal me, and the tools available to me that have lead me to a more improved life.
Therapy. There is nothing wrong with therapy. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for some mental issues you have. Mental issues are rarely the person you see in public doing erratic things you are laughing at. Many times they are people with self esteem issues, depression issues, and anxiety. They need a little help and guidance to see they are not flawed, but they are people. I am a person. I am not messed up, there is nothing wrong with me, I am who I was made to be. My lessons have molded me and taught me. I’m hard headed, this is partly my fault. But it is no where near ALL my fault. Just like with any relationship, the things that have gone wrong have not been ALL my fault, regardless of how many times this has been said to me. I am human, I am not perfect. I make mistakes, I have hurt others, I have fallen down and sometimes asked the wrong people to help me up. It’s ok. I’m ok. There is nothing wrong with me.
Acceptance. I’ve made some bad choices. I shouldn’t have to spend forever punishing myself over that. So I did. Guess what? I’ve made some pretty awesome ones too. Or hey, maybe that choice is kinda messed up, but the reward in the end is worth it. Life is amazing. Because I can look at it as the past read pages in a book, where I just keep repeating the same things over and over and never moving forward, or I can choose to say, those chapters were entertaining and I am so excited to see what is to come. I accept my choices made me have some regrets in life, but they have also given me some pretty amazing memories and stories to tell. I accept my life and I eagerly await what is ahead.
Those are the two biggest things that I can tell you have helped me move my crap forward and improve myself. I can’t wait for what else is in store. And I sure as hell can’t wait to write more about it.
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