As I Get Older

I realize the difference between friend and acquaintance.

I have a crap load of acquaintances.  It’s all good.  Acquaintances are people you can sometimes go out with and have fun with.  But you know if you feel like I did last night, well, yeah….there’s no point in it, they won’t be around.

My dad wasn’t worth too much knowledge in life.  He was a drunk who had his own demons.  I know what Vietnamese did to so many people.  But he did teach me one very valuable lesson in life.  He always told me if you had one true friend you were very fortunate.  This advice is golden and so true.  

Last night I had a friend to call just so I could laugh and joke.  The best part was, he had spent the entire evening drinking and was so wasted.  I couldn’t help but laugh that he was in such a state.  The best part was the fact he told me he loves me so much.  I do believe drunken words are sober thoughts.  He is the best friend a girl could ask for.

I have a very small circle anymore.  I have learned to not be sad my circle is small like I have.  I have learned to love that circle and hold those people close and just love them.  They choose to be in my life and love me just as I do them.  

I guess I also wanted to post something so everyone knew that I woke up this morning.  

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I sit here tonight

As the ugly face of depression.

I’ve been on this journey for so long and trying so many different routes and I keep finding roadblocks upon roadblocks to finding the answer and the cure.  So far, what they have me on now is a play with it on dosage of pills.  What’s happening is that my seretonin is all over and that makes my mood all over.

I had some anxiety attacks today and yesterday.  It lets me know that the meds aren’t working.  I think it’s honestly making it worse at this point.  My attacks feel worse than before, even though I know today is just a total obscure moment and won’t probably ever happen again.  My logical brain knows this.  

I sit here and write this now knowing I’m not in my clear mind.  I know that this is a moment.  I know that I’m overly extreme and overly dramatic right now.  I know this.  But yet, I sit here and realize that I’m alone.  

Yes, alone.  

My kid is gone chasing her dreams.  I’m so happy for her.  I’m finding strength within that.  

But yet, I’m alone.

I was told tonight that my own boyfriend hasn’t gone places because I can’t handle it.  So, while my logical brain knows he’s doing it because he loves me, he’s trying, the depression in my head hears….”depression just doesn’t limit your life, it’s now limiting the lives of people you care about.  They are so much better without you.”

I’m alone sitting here in the depths of depression.  Alone.

Yes alone. 

Because your Facebook status about being there for me is bullshit.  You know I struggle with depression.  I know your life is fun, or work, or graduations, or sleep right now.  Not time for me and my overly emotional, depressed, mood fucked up state.  Because truth is, we are just people that mean well and want to be there for people but yet, myself included, don’t answer most phone calls because everything is text.  

Truth is, I care that my phone call is going to be draining and depressed and sad and you have to work tomorrow.  And I’m already limiting one person’s life.  I don’t need my depression making you drag ass tomorrow.  

That’s how depression works.  

So I sit here tonight in tears.

Alone.

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Back to what feels good

It’s been a long time coming, but I did it.  And at the recommendation of my therapist.  

I hit the road and went on a road trip.  Just a day of driving and exploring.  It was something that I needed and my soul feels a bit recovered.  The only thing that could have made it better would have been if I actually liked where we went the first night.  

I woke up Wednesday and hit the road.  Took 24 to 65 to 69 to 70.  Headed west and made it for the first time in my life to a new state…marking another one off my list. 

Can you guess where I went?


I hated St. Louis.  Maybe it was the way into the city that I took, maybe it was just that the traffic was the worst I have ever been in my life.  I’m not sure.  But I hated it.  Needless to say, we found the arch, took some pics, and then never looked back.  

Thanks St Louis,  It’s been real.  But I’ve had enough. 

The next morning when we woke up, it was raining.  Ended up being rain from the same storms that flooded Kansas.  We decided not to explore around St Louis and just head to our next destination.  

#BigThingsSmallTown

I love Americana.  I’m one of those people that is more excited by finding something big on the side of the road, or in a town, and getting pics with it.  I find that stuff amusing and fascinating. Off of 70, on the way home, is a town known as Big Things in a Small Town.  There’s one hotel in the city, a nice Days Inn.

This town is called Casey, Illinois.  The nicest people I have ever met are here.  I met an awesome lady at the country club and talked to her.  She later found me on Facebook and thanked me for stopping by and visiting the town.  Every person we passed would wave at us. 

They have many large things, and many World’s Largest things.  They have guides pointing to the direction on decorative poles around town.  They have truly embraced their originality.  

We saw the World’s Largest

Pitchfork

Mailbox

Wind Chimes

Rocking Chair

Knitting Needles

And then we saw large but not world’s largest

Yardstick

Pencil

Birdcage

If you love Americana, Casey is your town!

Here’s a small sample of what we saw, showing you how close the rocking chair and wind chimes are to each other.  

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Get facts instead of rhetoric

I’m very bothered with the things Trump has signed. Move aside the rhetoric of fake news and all the Russia and health care, remember….
He signed the following bills that I don’t agree with 
H.J. Res 69 about Alaskan hunting. 

H.J. Res 66 about retirement funding. 

H.J. Res 67 also about retirement funding. 

H.J. Res 43 about federal funding and Planned Parenthood/abortions

S.J. Res 34 about removing internet browsing privacy

H.J. Res 57 about school accountability (because I can’t find any documentation on how they plan to improve it)

H.J. Res 58 about assessing teacher prep (again because I can’t find a plan to improve it)

H.J. Res 83 about employers being required to keep records of employee work related injuries

H.J. Res 37 about documenting work related problems such as wage theft 

H.J. Res 40 about guns and the mentally ill

H.J. Res 38 about clean water ways and coal

H.J. Res 41 about payments to government from companies. 
I approved of 

H.R 353 about funding for NOAA

S. 305 Vietnam War Veterns Day 

S.J. Res 1 for a memorial for Gulf War veterans 
This is the stuff that should matter when voting for or against someone. Don’t fall for the rhetoric and things he wants you to buy into, focus on what he’s truly doing that will effect you, now or later.

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Why So Petty???

Petty. 

I don’t know why this action almost always happens with women.  But it’s so annoying how PETTY women can be.

I don’t expect to walking into a family and be accepted.  I don’t expect to be family.  Family really doesn’t mean much to me, but I at least expect respect.

I’ve noticed lately that my significant other’s female family member seem to want to erase the fact I’m there.  One cousin doesn’t even speak or acknowledge me.  Another female turns her back to me or doesn’t speak most the time.  There’s a big emphasis of the meaning and dynamic of family, but there sure isn’t any love to extend that to me.  

Now sure, we aren’t married and I get that.  But the thing is, my guy and I don’t plan to get married.  We don’t want to get married.  I can already tell that these females will not ever see me as anything more than some girl that comes around as long as we aren’t married.  I mean, they don’t even speak to me.  Like a whole room of people are spoken to EXCEPT for me, and well, today, my kid was given the same treatment.  

See, I’ve done this shit before.  Petty.  And the thing is, I have taught my kid better than that.  I was taught better than that.  Shame on their parents and them for encouraging that behavior.  Shame on you.

My boyfriend isn’t going anywhere.  If they think this petty shit is going to make us break up, these petty woman are dumb.  If they think him and I haven’t discussed this, then these petty woman are dumb.  We have made a pact that our LOVE will trump pettiness.  Truth is, those with the pettiness are the ones that are making him unhappy.  Why?  Because he just wants to live his life and get the same respect from family that he gives family and he’s simply not getting it.  

I wish I could say that my feelings weren’t hurt by this.  But they are.  They are hurt that I’m not spoken to.  They are hurt that I can’t be given any form of respect.  They are hurt that I am erased from events.  Keep tagging everyone on birthday events and act like I wasn’t there.  I and him know I was.  We see it.  And the thing is, I did NOTHING for that to happen.  

When the time comes, don’t be surprised that you don’t come to his house anymore.  Because when we live together, it will be my house too, and I don’t let petty, disrespect in my house.  Blood or not.  That’s MY boundary and NO ONE takes my boundaries from me.  My bf knows this and supports this.  Respect his decision to not get married and respect his relationship like he deserves.  

Stop being petty.  

Grow up.

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Mean Girls

You know, those girls that are out of high school but have no idea they are out of high school?  The ones that want to have little childish games and exclude people?   The same ones that also sit around and gossip about people all the time?

Well, I’m not the type of girl that does that.  

I’m not going to argue with you.  Or confront you.  I know how mean girls work.  They have so many deep underlying issues that when confronted they grow fangs and lash out.  I know.  I see you.  Hell, I’ve been you.  But usually people stay in that spot when they choose to, or they choose not to face the reality of life and instead attack to make themselves feel better.

I admit it. You made me cry.  I shed some tears and I asked a lot of questions.  These are my core trigger issues.  

What’s wrong with me?  Why doesn’t someone like me?  Why doesn’t someone treat me nice?  Why am I not worth fighting for?  What did I do?  You hit them all.  Congrats really, because it didn’t take you too long to find them.  And you did it in the faster way than most. 

But guess what?

Unlike most people and mean girls…I’m not scared of you.  I’m not truly upset that you are a childish idiot.  I’m hurt you feel it’s ok to treat people how you do, but then I know that my lack of NEEDING your approval is going to affect you more than your childish antics have hurt me.  I don’t need you to talk to me.  I don’t need you to even like me.  I don’t need you to live.  But I do need to recognize that you are all mean girls.  

The type of girl my heart never, ever wants to be.  

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Today isΒ 

One of those days where I wonder why is life so hard?  What did I do for this shit to happen?

I’m going to seriously struggle to wake up and get moving tomorrow but I seriously have no other choice.  

Depression is a bitch.

So is life.  

Fuck you life.  

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